Monday, June 4, 2007

2007 MTV Movie Awards

So, I am attempting this whole liveblogging thing for tonight mostly because if I don’t type while the Awards are airing, I’ll never get the motivation to synthesize my thoughts and actually post. (I actually had to Google 'liveblogging' to make sure I had the definition right. So far as I can tell, it’s blogging with time stamps so I’m going to go with that.)
Disclaimer: I haven't watched this show in a few years, but I have very fond memories of W.B. kids, ironic awards, timely satire, and a fantastic opening sequence that featured Kirsten Dunst and Jimmy Fallon recreating the music video for Don't Tell Me. I'm not really expecting that level of Awesome, but I am curious what MTV's been up to these last few years.

Judging from the Red Carpet Preshow, there’s a strange paradox occurring wherein the Movie Awards are nearly ten years past their prime and I’m a good five years too old for them, and yet, the preshow appears to be amateur night in Dixie. Has MTV ever produced anything ever? Awkward transitions, sloppy cuts, lost sound, and interview interruptus. Why are their VJs behaving as though they’ve never been on camera? Suchin Pak is collecting social security at this point; she should know better. The guy (Jim? Tim? Tom?) I don’t recognize so maybe he’s new. He’s desperately trying to not offend Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf is high. And in his thirties. Seriously, he’s ten years older than me. Oh, a Transformers Exclusive (*spoiler alert* there are a lot of these tonight) Heh. Michael Bay is articulating the “plot” of Transformers. Let’s not pretend there’s an actual plot. He just said the word “real” eight times in two sentences. Regarding Transformers. Ironic, no? No Name Ingenue just said it’s the biggest movie she’s ever been a part of. It’s bigger than nothing? Really? Why has Spielberg yoked himself to this insult to storytelling? I wonder if LaBeouf is Spielberg’s bastard child. Oh, NNI was a Maxim cover girl. Transformers is bigger than the cover of Maxim. Alert the media. It turns out unknown VJ (Tim!) is new. Well, there ya’ go.

Truthfully, some other stuff happened during this preshow besides Transformers pimping. But you’ll soon come to realize that none of it matters. Paris Hilton completely got the kid glove treatment, Lauren Conrad and her Hills hos went shopping, and I think Jay-Z popped up for a second. Crappiest preshow ever! There were about two seconds of awesome courtesy of Mandy Moore, John Krasinski, and Jessica Alba. That’s how low this show has sunk. Jessica Alba stands out as awesome.

Aaaaaaand...Awards Show!

8: 00- Sarah Silverman! She’s talking to a dog. Well, it was the Year of the Dog. Think how much cooler this show would already be were they parodying Year of the Dog right now instead of, wait for it...Transformers. How droll. Man, Silverman’s already reaching. A decades old Kanye joke! Before they were canceled over a YEAR ago, Arrested Development made this joke. That's how old it is. Johnny Knoxville looks to' up. Is he fifty now? And is he the best they could come up with? Damn. Remember when Lisa Kudrow hosted and they spoofed Austin Powers and it was a good ten to fifteen minutes of hilarious, cameo-driven parody before they even got to the show? This is not that.

8: 02- 2 minutes of parody. Two. Adam Sandler is sitting next to Jack Nicholson. Sandler’s popping gum like a twelve year old girl. Or Two A-holes. I know we’re supposed to be repulsed by Will Ferrell’s Grizzly Adams look, but I actually think it makes him sexier. I have beard issues.

The Badass Motherfucker hates Sarah Silverman.

8:04- Woah. A Cisco Adler joke. Mischa’s not as irrelevant as we thought.
Damn. Vagina jokes. Wouldn’t be Sarah Silverman without them.
Inevitable mention of La Lohan. And mocking Alec Baldwin- that’s tired. Even Silverman seems to think so.

8: 05- Paris sex joke. But she’s there. So it’s edgy. Is Silverman a hack? That would make me sad, but I mean, Paris sex joke? My grandfather could make that joke.

8: 08- Wow. This intro is not good. The song? Dirty words are funny, y’all. The first time I watched this I thought the altercocker choir was without pants. I’m relieved to see that’s not the case as that might make this whole performance classless.

8: 10- Cast of Fantastic Four. Fametracker's 2 Stars 1 Slot (Dirty!): Chris Evans/Bret Harrison. Because they could very well be the same person and we don’t know it. Best Villain. What kind of world do we live in where Nicholson and Streep are up against Tobin Bell from Saw 3? Do these tweens even know who Nicholson is? Beyond his role in The Departed? Ok, Nicholson is definitely high. Not that I blame him, but this acceptance speech is all over the place. The troops? Really, we’re going to the troops?

8: 14- Well, Silverman’s in on the joke (that is the MTV Movie Awards 2007.) So that might make this better. My notes say, I’ve only seen two of the nominees for Best Film but the only one I can remember right now is Little Miss Sunshine. At any rate, I didn’t see Pirates of the Caribbean: Davy Jones’s Locker which *spoiler alert* wins or Borat. So I don’t really get this joke. Unless the joke is just a scantily clad fat man. Then, I get it. But it’s not funny.

Oh hey, apparently the announcer is live blogging during the show as well. How weird was that naked guy, indeed. The MTV Movie Awards are brought to you by the letter O.

Commercials. Best Week Ever goes meta. Isn’t Best Week Ever definitively meta? Isn’t the whole point that they’re meta? Is this, like, super meta meta?

8: 21- I enjoy Jessica Biel. I don’t actually watch her movies (Next? Are you kidding me?) but there’s something about her I really like. She and Silverman are talking about blogging. I dread the day meta becomes played out. Are we already there? If we were still doing message tees, I’d make one that reads I Heart Meta. I might do it anyway. I’m a Lit geek, what the hell right?

8: 22- Best Fight. So Bruce Willis was at home watering his lawn or hosting a barbecue or something when he got a call telling him he was twenty minutes late for the show. That’s the only explanation for the Jimmy Buffet attire he’s sporting (and the wardrobe change later on.) He also is quite possibly, high. As is Justin Long. Justin Long looks like he wandered in off the Miami Vice set. They’re plugging Live Free or Die Hard or Live Hard or Die Trying or Living to Die Hard or whatever. And the Best Fight Award goes to a real person battling CGI effects. Ok, then. Gerard Butler from 300. He’s totally denigrating the award. Justin Long wants us to know that he is so much more badass than the Mac commercials would suggest.

8: 26- I generally don’t get too offended by the recent hyper injection of fratboy culture into commercial cinema, but Good Luck Chuck is everything that is wrong with both fratboy culture and commercial cinema. Dane Cook is introducing Amateur Spoofs. The first one, Little Miss Squirt Gun, claims to be a cross between Little Miss Sunshine and Pulp Fiction, but it takes a weird Brangelina/Vaughniston turn about halfway through. Is that Alanna Ubach? How did this guy get Alanna Ubach? This is not funny. And dated. Watch, Jolie’s going to adopt Little Miss. Yep, saw that coming.

Sam Jackson thought it blew. And he was actually in Pulp Fiction.

Commercials. I love John Krasinski and I love Mandy Moore and I’ll totally see this over Transformers, but License To Wed is going to suck. It’s undeniable.

Orbitz chick is at the Awards.

8: 33- Victoria Beckham looks horrifying. Jay-Z and Rhianna. Didn’t Jay-Z retire? Heh. He just rhymed something with Dow Jones. Sing what you know I guess. Oh, there’s a theme. A movie theme. Or an S&M theme. Rhianna cannot sing. See, this is why it doesn’t matter that Jordin won Idol and not Melinda. The relative success of Rhianna is proof that it really makes no difference. Was she an ANTM winner? A Pussy Cat Doll? Does it even matter? She looks good in pleather and can’t sing a lick and she’s headlining the MTV Movie Awards. Melinda will be just fine. Jordin will too, for that matter.

8: 38- Best Kiss. Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and Jessica Biel. See, it’s like Jessica Biel wants me to not like her. This Chuck and Larry movie? Is she only about the paycheck? ?

8: 39- Best Kiss (ctd.) And Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron-Cohen are nominated for Talladega Nights so you know they’ve already won. Because any time two men kiss, it’s funny. I’m surprised the MTV folk even bothered to pad the category. Full disclosure: I thought Talladega Nights was hilarious, but the audience is behaving as if this is brand new territory when in reality, same sex kisses have ruled this Award since the late nineties. Of course this audience were all fetuses then. Now, I’m sad. And old. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but Ferrell is sexy. And I like him as the straight man. (No pun intended.) See, now the crowd is going Crazy as Cohen and Ferrell reenact their *shocking* kiss. Because they’ve never seen this show before.

8: 44- We’re back with Dane Cook and another Amateur Spoof. Texas Chainsaw Rehab. Also not funny. Less funny than Little Miss Squirt Gun, actually. Who are these not funny future filmmakers? Are we all really so creatively bereft?

Commercials. Amputees are HI-larious. Especially in light of the War.

8: 50- Silverman. Potty humor. Oh, see this is the parody that was supposed to open the show. Silverman is inserted into scenes from all the big films of the year. Brad Pitt on the phone in Babel. More potty humor. Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. Pursuit of Happyness. Ok, The Departed bit was kinda funny. They completely telegraphed the Prada joke. Last but not least, Transformers! Exclusive! Eh.

8: 55- So they couldn’t even get enough celebs for all the categories. Random MTV fan intro. indeed. Breakthrough Performance. Ooh, ooh Emily Blunt. Emily Blunt should win. Just because she’s Emily Blunt. And her name is kick ass. Wow, the Baby Smith Clam (Jaden) is nominated for Pursuit of Happyness. Precocious offspring of Hollywood royalty? In the bag. But he didn’t show. BSC’s whole acceptance “video” is really Will Smith’s larger than life plea to us. Don’t you forget about me. He’s seriously begging. Big Willie Style.

8: 59- Dane Cook hates his life. Paris Hilton is still there. United 300. Amateur Spoof. A cross between 300 and the most gut-wrenching movie I saw last year, United 93. Everyone should see United 93. I avoided it for a long time for fear that it was exploitative and jingoistic. It’s neither. It’s breathtaking. See it. This spoof is not funny. I mean, the others weren’t funny either. But this is not funny and offensive.

Commercials. See ya' in the next hour!

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