Monday, June 4, 2007

2007 MTV Movie Awards (Ctd.)

And we're back! The second hour begins with a true WTF? moment.

9: 00- (Orbitz) Dirtiest Mouth Moment? The sum total of nothing. Clerks 2. Why not. Though, I do like Kevin Smith. Every time I’m ready to write Kevin Smith off as a hack, I catch him in an interview and I immediately respect him again. The latest was his talking head in This Film Is Not Yet Rated.

9: 05- Cast of License to Wed. Krasinski and Moore! Krasinski looks like a baby. And an emo boy. I can’t wait for him to do something that’s not squeaky clean. Best Comedic performance. Emily Blunt. A million times Emily. It’s probably Ferrell. Nope, it’s Borat. He’s mocking the skanky starlets. Well somebody had to. Oh, Krasinksi. I want to climb you like a tree.

Commercials. Nothing of note.

9: 14- Ooh, a parody of the celeb PSA for One. Boratitis, the involuntary act of imitating Borat. Unfortunately, this loses all satire credibility with the inclusion of Trump. Love Aaron Eckhart, though. Rhianna’s not wearing a shirt, y’all. She’s not even pretending to wear a shirt.

9: 15- And Cameron’s not wearing pants. Oh right, she was in Shrek. This is the Mike Myers presentation. Cameron can’t read. Does she need glasses? She really can’t read. Or deliver this speech. Maybe she’s high, too. Mike Myers has been in four movies. And three of them were a franchise. Generation Award. That’s what he’s getting. For generating a large body of work? Because see above: re: franchise. For representing a generation? Because Ben Stiller called and he wants his fucking award. Is it intentionally unclear because they don’t know why the hell Mike Myers is getting an award? Circle gets the square. And hey, he just cribbed a joke from Reality Bites. That about sums it up.

Commercials. I will forever love and adore Lauren Graham for Gilmore Girls, but she has got to get some better movies. She’s entering Jessica Biel territory.

9: 27- Sam Jackson hates everyone in this room. Amateur Spoof Award. Seriously, these were the best of the best? He has such contempt for this award. As well he should. The winner is United 300. The director just mispronounced ‘tyranny’. His parents and wife are embarrassed. He should’ve written something. Beyond that last line. Which was ok.

9: 30- Welcome back, Bruce Willis. And he’s actually dressed to present this time. Amy Winehouse sings Rehab. I didn’t know this was a real song until I heard it in its entirety on the radio. She looks like a drag queen dressed as a baby prostitute. This is not that great. I don’t know if she’s normally good, but, like, compared to Christina or whoever, Amy’s comatose. Stacey Ferguson’s bemused. I think Amy’s anorexic. Eh.

Commercials. I will forever love and adore John Cusack for Grosse Pointe Blank, but he has got to get some better movies. He’s entering Lauren Graham territory.

9: 38- Aw, Seth Rogen. No Katie Heigl? Everyone needs to see Knocked Up! And then Netflix Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared and realize Judd Apatow is an underrated genius! Best Movie You Haven’t Seen Yet. WTF? This is really just an excuse to further fellate Transformers, isn’t it? Yes, it is. Shia LaBeouf has aged twenty years since the show began. Michael Bay sucks. They’re all high.

Commercials. Is Trishelle famous now? Do we have to acknowledge Trishelle as an actual celebrity?

9: 46- Andy Samberg’s onstage for a second. He’s not even allowed to plug Hot Rod.

9: 47- Transformers guys. They’re here again? Best Performance. Johnny Depp wins. Wow, he’s there. Glad he could leave 1991 to join us. He seriously has a flannel tied around his waist. That’s awesome. FYI, not a single woman won an award this year. Not one. MTV hates women.

Commercials. More Transformers exclusives. Oh, and now a trailer. And a commercial. And another trailer. In 2007, Michael Bay made Transformers. Everything that was not Transformers ceased to exist.

9: 55- Cast of Hairspray. Amanda Bynes has turned into Lindsay Lohan. It’s sad. Best movie. Transformers! Well, it might as well be. PotC. Jerry Bruckheimer and Johnny Depp accept. I’m pretty sure Bruckheimer just told Depp to thank Disney. Or he's going to get the hose again.

9: 58- And it’s over. And it sucked. Even more than I thought it would. Tune in next year when Transformers sweeps every category and the MTV Movie Awards slips further and further into total cultural irrelevance.

1 comment:

Whitney said...

Ok, I watched some of this. And if you're old, I'm practically dead. I usually try to watch and be open to the notion that the celebs I've never heard of are indeed legit and I am just past the age to know about them. Alas, with folks my age and older, Sarah Silverman, Sandler, Nicholson, Sam Jackson, Dane Cook, Bruce Willis using up the air time, I was unable to learn the new faces. My conclusion: there are none.

The pre-show was the absolute worst ever - a thirty minute promo for Transformers?